For Such A Time As This

I’ve written this over and over in my head numerous times, and each time, it seemed to be lacking. How do you adequately express someone’s influence in several paragraphs when you could could write a seven volume series about it, I wondered, but with the nostalgia of school starting back and seeing plaid skirts and saddle oxfords everywhere once again, my heart longed for this outlet. I have been trying to put my thoughts together about Mrs. Steffan for months, but it was far too raw and my heart still too broken. Here are all my feeble and less than excellent attempts put into one to tell you just how grateful I am, for such a time as these last eight years, that God would give me one of the greatest honors of my life: knowing and loving Peggy Steffan.

Mrs. Steffan wasn’t just my sophomore and senior theology and Anatomy and Physiology teacher. She understood me in ways that I never understood how except for the fact that she is one of the greatest people I’ve ever known. Her discipline at times was tough, but I have never respected anyone as much for it, but also no else could have disciplined us like she did and not have gotten flack from her girls. I saw it. They’d back-talk other teachers all day long, but if they were smart, they would think twice before disrespecting her. She is the only person I know that could say one word and a gaggle of girls would shut up quickly: “Ladies!” That quick, sharp tone would make you sit up straighter every time. She was indeed our disciplinarian, but she was also our first line of defense, our confidant, and the one who pushed us to do hard things because she believed we could.

I could tell you stories about her all day long. For example, the time I heard her say, “I’m right here,” as she was coming up behind me when I got stuck in the mud during the night hike at Tremont, and I’m pretty sure the peace I felt in that moment was the same peace Mary felt at the Annunciation when the angel Gabriel told her not to be afraid. Or, the time in Anatomy and Physiology we dissected cats and the cat Rachel, Beth, and I dissected was pregnant. Mrs. Steffan was so giddy about it, all the while I was trying not to hurl. I can’t say it wasn’t cool, but it was a little (okay, a lot) gross and the smell was terrible. Or, the time we went to the Motherhouse at St. Cecilia’s and I sat next to her at 6:15 AM Mass and my stomach growled the entire time. I kept apologizing and she kept chuckling.  She’s also the reason I zip lined for the first time (and Taylor Herbers- I couldn’t have made it up the stairs without her), the reason I have always been a searcher for the truth, and the reason I hold faith as precious to me as I do. I could go on forever, but you neither have the time nor the attention span to read hours worth of stories, I know that, but the point is, Mrs. Steffan was a constant in my life from my very first day of high school.

There was never any question that I wanted to be like her when I “grew up,” and I felt so honored to be her pupil. I nor anyone else ever would have thought that two years after I graduated high school, I would be her pupil again, but this time for the harshest of reasons. This time, she would teach me what it looks like to share in the sufferings of Christ. This time, she would show me how powerful a legacy can be. This time, I would learn how deep the hole is that is left in your heart when your hero enters eternity. This time, she didn’t give me a test in Scripture Studies, but her cancer diagnosis tested my faith. I yelled and screamed and fought with God. I asked Him over and over again why it had to be her out of all the people in the world and why it couldn’t have been me.

I painfully started to learn that God was showing the world through her what it looked like to truly walk through the valley of the shadow of death and have no fear because he was with her. I also knew that if she had accepted this, never complaining once, then I needed to accept it, too (and Lord knows had she known about the fights I had with God about it, she would have given me that look that said, “Young lady, don’t you think you need to get your act together?”).  As much as I didn’t like it, He couldn’t have had a better choice servant to show us how to live, how to suffer, and how to enter eternity.

In the weeks since her passing, I’ve realized how blessed I was- how blessed we all were- to be graced with her presence, her love, and her rock-solid faith “for such a time as this.” I would be a different woman today if I hadn’t known her, and because I love her still, I’m a much better woman. She’s still in my contacts and our picture is still on my lock screen. I think about her constantly and there’s been a million and five things happen in the last two months that I hope she knows.

The Sisters of Mercy founded Immaculate Conception Cathedral School and their founder, Catherine McAuley wrote in the second line of her Suscipe, “[God], Teach me to cast myself entirely into the arms of Your loving providence with the most lively, unlimited confidence in Your compassionate tender pity.” If anything sums up the life and legacy of Peggy Steffan, that does.

She will always be my heart.